It's difficult, sometimes, to allow my wall to come down. I think writing makes it a little easier, but still, I am still so guarded. My husband asked me last night what my decision making moment to get healthy was. Of course I gave some lame-ass response: get healthy, lose weight, fit into my cute clothes, etc etc. But, it was on my mind last night. I tossed and turned all night fighting with myself and my demons. I had one question: Why have you failed so often?
I have been very successful with weight loss in the past. I usually realize that I have 10, 20 lbs to lose and just stop eating shit and get my ass to the gym and lose said weight. Most of the time it just falls off in a couple months. I realized, though, that after the weight is off, I feel like my job is "done" and I reward myself with my old habits. Thus, the vicious cycle. I also dug a little deeper into my id. Why the failure? Why the dragging of the heels, etc. Why is it okay for me to remain overweight. Is it because I'm a mom now? Do I need to just throw away the True Religion jeans and get MOM jeans now? All my life I have always tried to "please" everyone. My parents, my sisters, my teachers, professors, husbands, now kids. I never felt "worthy" enough to truly believe that I deserve to own something that is just that, my own.
I have done for others, served others, fed, grown, made others. I continue to soothe others, feed, clean, nurture, listen to, and do for others. This has left me devoid of any self-worth. Yes, I know that others see me as a beacon to this family, but I need to define me again. I need to be proud of ME and finish something for ME again. I thought back to why things I've tried to do since becoming a mom have not worked out well for me. Take Mary Kay. I loved doing MK. I set out for it to be just for ME! To have something that was just my own. It was great until I realized that what I was doing was all being done for everyone else: sell more so your superior can get her cadillac, make other women feel good about themselves. This was all great, but: "what about me"? Again, doing for others and not for me.
I was looking through pictures of me when I was young, self-confident, full of life, prior to having gone through the stress of a husband deployed to war and then a near-foreclosure, a stressful move to Pittsburgh while pregnant, having two kids in two years, leaving a job that defined me, leaving friends, raising two kids with NO family around, and realized that I am OLD! I have aged 10 years in the past 5. I looked down at my stomach, my battlescars of growing, making, nurturing two beautful girls, and started to cry. "What good am I if I am miserable"? How can I raise two girls in this world of perfection to have great self-image if I am miserable inside? How can I preach health and happiness if I, myself, am not? (fill in aha moment).
Running sucks, let's face it. It hasn't become this wonderful, great "thing" to me....yet. but, I am out there, sweating and wheezing my way back to me.
In time I know that I will grow to love it, it will become a part of my everyday life. An appendage that just defines me. I will add runner to my list.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Monday, May 30, 2011
Memorial Day
Today was kind of a weird day for us. Hubby was rather melancholy. Thoughts of friends he lost in Iraq were heavy on his mind today, and mine as well. I just let him tell me stories of the brothers who were killed in action. Therapeutic for him, special for me to hear of these brave men.
I always feel guilty on Memorial Day. Guilt over not thinking of, paying tribute to, or remembering the men/women who served, sacrificed, lost lives. Makes me sad, but proud to have done my "serving", if you will.
Today we took the kiddos to Living Treasures Animal Park. It's like a Petting Zoo in disney. Great animals, well maintained and not crowded! :)
Addison LOVED it! She especially loved the snakes (eew), and the turtles and the peacock which Sara was imitating. Great time and so glad we drove the hour to get there.
I was not going to run today (slacker), but decided to when my husband said to me (as I was eating a WW dark chocolate and raspberry bar-only 2 points), "aren't you supposed to be on a diet"? Yea, butt-head, I AM on a diet. Motivation enough to get me into my brand new Asics Nimbus and on that track. I strapped on the iPhone (the C25K app), some Lady Gaga, put my paws in the air and hoofed my arse up to the track at Carlynton High. 1.7 miles in 90 degree heat (no lie). Only me, only I would decide to do my run at 6:30 at the hottest part of the day. After a 5 min warm up, I alternate 60 second run, 90 second walk, for 20 min, then a 5 min cool down. That's the first week's schedule and next week will up the run to 90 seconds, 2:00 walk...
Ate:
2 egg whites scrambled with white cheddar and asparagus on 1 slice of eziekiel 4:9 sprouted grain bread
L: 1 Morningstar Farms grillers (veggie burger) sans bun with 1 oz white cheddar
1/2 c pasta salad (homemade: penne, balsamic vin, safflower oil, asparagus spears, cukes, onion, celery, lemon juice)
snack: WW dark chocolate and raspberry frozen bar (guess I'm a fatty , lol)
I know I should eat some dinner right now, but I'm still nauseous from the run, I will prob make a salad from the lettuce and veggies from our garden.
thanks for reading my boring so-called life LOL
day off tomorrow from running, but will do Yoga on Wii Fit Plus. NEED to stretch and relax.
H
Saturday, May 28, 2011
Day 3:that isn't sweat, my fat cells are crying!
Went to Kennywood today with the kiddos. Pushed around a 675 lb double stroller with two toddlers inside. (who collectively weight around 48 lbs). Up hill, down hill, around the park, strategically PAST the potato patch (the smells wafting up my nose) BUT, I walked right past, nose in the air and said a big "eff you, potato patch" on my way around, in my Skechers shape-ups!
3 hours of pushing, pulling, ,holding, sweating, dodging, and we were on our way home with two tuckered-out toddlers. Proud to say I ate only a grilled chicken wrap (only 1/2 of it), no dressing and a small amount of pasta salad, 423 gallons of water, and a ton of watermelon (love summer).
Got home, watched a movie with Gwyneth Paltrow and decided that this ass won't get any skinnier sitting on the couch watching that skinny bitch, Gwyneth. Sigh...that bitch motivated me to run again. I put on my sneaks, my tank, loaded the iPhone with my new C25K app (LOVE THIS) and ran half mile to the track, 1.5 miles on said track and half mile home from the track. Loving my little slice of heaven that is ONLY MINE and no one else's.
I must say, I wanted to die, die a slow painful, sweaty death. Running sucks, it really zaps my life force, but I know it is the only salvation I have and the only thing I have that is ONLY mine.
I will run that dreadful 5K in Sept. I will run every day, rain, shine, snow, sleet or hail.
Effing skinny bitch, Gwyneth.
:0 cheers
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Time? What is that?
It's Day 2...my kids are uber clingy today. I am trying to fit in my run somewhere here.
Thinking I might rely on the built-in babysitter: The Wiggles. They are free and buy me an hour. I'm so not ready to get outside to the track and do this, so I think I'll do a free run on the Wii Fit. It's a start. I'm lacking motivation and it's only day 2. I know I'll feel so much better after the run.... here goes...
Thinking I might rely on the built-in babysitter: The Wiggles. They are free and buy me an hour. I'm so not ready to get outside to the track and do this, so I think I'll do a free run on the Wii Fit. It's a start. I'm lacking motivation and it's only day 2. I know I'll feel so much better after the run.... here goes...
Running Plan
The schedule
| Week | Workout 1 | Workout 2 | Workout 3 |
| 1 | Brisk five-minute warmup walk. Then alternate 60 seconds of jogging and 90 seconds of walking for a total of 20 minutes. | Brisk five-minute warmup walk. Then alternate 60 seconds of jogging and 90 seconds of walking for a total of 20 minutes. | Brisk five-minute warmup walk. Then alternate 60 seconds of jogging and 90 seconds of walking for a total of 20 minutes. |
| 2 | Brisk five-minute warmup walk. Then alternate 90 seconds of jogging and two minutes of walking for a total of 20 minutes. | Brisk five-minute warmup walk. Then alternate 90 seconds of jogging and two minutes of walking for a total of 20 minutes. | Brisk five-minute warmup walk. Then alternate 90 seconds of jogging and two minutes of walking for a total of 20 minutes. |
| 3 | Brisk five-minute warmup walk, then do two repetitions of the following:
| Brisk five-minute warmup walk, then do two repetitions of the following:
| Brisk five-minute warmup walk, then do two repetitions of the following:
|
| 4 | Brisk five-minute warmup walk, then:
| Brisk five-minute warmup walk, then:
| Brisk five-minute warmup walk, then:
|
| 5 | Brisk five-minute warmup walk, then:
| Brisk five-minute warmup walk, then:
| Brisk five-minute warmup walk, then jog two miles (or 20 minutes) with no walking. |
| 6 | Brisk five-minute warmup walk, then:
| Brisk five-minute warmup walk, then:
| Brisk five-minute warmup walk, then jog 2-1/4 miles (or 25 minutes) with no walking. |
| 7 | Brisk five-minute warmup walk, then jog 2.5 miles (or 25 minutes). | Brisk five-minute warmup walk, then jog 2.5 miles (or 25 minutes). | Brisk five-minute warmup walk, then jog 2.5 miles (or 25 minutes). |
| 8 | Brisk five-minute warmup walk, then jog 2.75 miles (or 28 minutes). | Brisk five-minute warmup walk, then jog 2.75 miles (or 28 minutes). | Brisk five-minute warmup walk, then jog 2.75 miles (or 28 minutes). |
| 9 | Brisk five-minute warmup walk, then jog 3 miles (or 30 minutes). | Brisk five-minute warmup walk, then jog 3 miles (or 30 minutes). | The final workout! Congratulations! Brisk five-minute warmup walk, then jog 3 miles (or 30 minutes). |
What the HELL are you doing to me??
Ouch, stop! That hurts! You're KILLING me!! All of these words were, I'm sure, thought by my poor body. That is, if my body and my mind were separate entities. My brain keeps saying, "c'mon slacker, let's get moving", my body....not so much.
A little background...
I'm a 35 year old mother of two VERY demanding toddlers, ages 2 and 1. My life is crazy hectic, being a mom, a maid, a chef, a taxi cab, a wife, a friend, a daughter, sister, friend, jungle gym, etc. I have little to no time left over for me and if I do, something must be horribly wrong (like, I probably forgot a kid at Giant Eagle or something). I gave up my career (and what defined me prior to the "mom" title) to be a SAHM. I am not complaining. I knew that when I had kids, I wanted to be able to stay home with them. I am very lucky to have this option and am eternally grateful to fate.
Sometimes, though, I feel like my identity has been lost in the wind...I am sure many moms have felt this way. I tried so many things to try to gain back a little of me. Mary Kay, Tupperware, mom's groups, etc etc, but never felt like I gained ME back. It was always doing for someone else, again.
So, as time has gone on, my once size 6 body is now a size 16. That flat stomach I used to have is long gone, a faded memory. I'm still healthy, but a weird cancer scare has thrown me into a mission to get super healthy, off the couch, and closer to what I was once. I know I will NEVER be a size 6 again, but will be really super happy at a size ten. I have a long way to go, 50 lbs, but with my determination to finally do something for ME only, I know I can do this.
I have made a commitment to myself to get my ass off this couch, train for 17 weeks, and run a 5K in September. I know, I know, a 5K is ONLY 3 miles. BUT, 3 miles seems like a million to this body right now.
Join me in my journey from couch to 5K. Today is day 2. I made this commitment yesterday, started on my Wii Fit again, and am doing Weight Watchers alongside.
Prayers, support, help and recognition would be greatly appreciated. Let's get this Fatty her identity back. :)
Love and thanks,
H
Day 1 Workout:
Wii Fit: 18 minute run: 1.5 miles
Advanced Step: 15 min (with a 20 lb toddler in my arms )
Yoga: 10 min
Skateboard: 5 min (let's just skip the details on this one, I am NOT Tony Hawk, in fact, i suck)
WW: Points allowed: 31
Points used 30
A little background...
I'm a 35 year old mother of two VERY demanding toddlers, ages 2 and 1. My life is crazy hectic, being a mom, a maid, a chef, a taxi cab, a wife, a friend, a daughter, sister, friend, jungle gym, etc. I have little to no time left over for me and if I do, something must be horribly wrong (like, I probably forgot a kid at Giant Eagle or something). I gave up my career (and what defined me prior to the "mom" title) to be a SAHM. I am not complaining. I knew that when I had kids, I wanted to be able to stay home with them. I am very lucky to have this option and am eternally grateful to fate.
Sometimes, though, I feel like my identity has been lost in the wind...I am sure many moms have felt this way. I tried so many things to try to gain back a little of me. Mary Kay, Tupperware, mom's groups, etc etc, but never felt like I gained ME back. It was always doing for someone else, again.
So, as time has gone on, my once size 6 body is now a size 16. That flat stomach I used to have is long gone, a faded memory. I'm still healthy, but a weird cancer scare has thrown me into a mission to get super healthy, off the couch, and closer to what I was once. I know I will NEVER be a size 6 again, but will be really super happy at a size ten. I have a long way to go, 50 lbs, but with my determination to finally do something for ME only, I know I can do this.
I have made a commitment to myself to get my ass off this couch, train for 17 weeks, and run a 5K in September. I know, I know, a 5K is ONLY 3 miles. BUT, 3 miles seems like a million to this body right now.
Join me in my journey from couch to 5K. Today is day 2. I made this commitment yesterday, started on my Wii Fit again, and am doing Weight Watchers alongside.
Prayers, support, help and recognition would be greatly appreciated. Let's get this Fatty her identity back. :)
Love and thanks,
H
Day 1 Workout:
Wii Fit: 18 minute run: 1.5 miles
Advanced Step: 15 min (with a 20 lb toddler in my arms )
Yoga: 10 min
Skateboard: 5 min (let's just skip the details on this one, I am NOT Tony Hawk, in fact, i suck)
WW: Points allowed: 31
Points used 30
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