It's difficult, sometimes, to allow my wall to come down. I think writing makes it a little easier, but still, I am still so guarded. My husband asked me last night what my decision making moment to get healthy was. Of course I gave some lame-ass response: get healthy, lose weight, fit into my cute clothes, etc etc. But, it was on my mind last night. I tossed and turned all night fighting with myself and my demons. I had one question: Why have you failed so often?
I have been very successful with weight loss in the past. I usually realize that I have 10, 20 lbs to lose and just stop eating shit and get my ass to the gym and lose said weight. Most of the time it just falls off in a couple months. I realized, though, that after the weight is off, I feel like my job is "done" and I reward myself with my old habits. Thus, the vicious cycle. I also dug a little deeper into my id. Why the failure? Why the dragging of the heels, etc. Why is it okay for me to remain overweight. Is it because I'm a mom now? Do I need to just throw away the True Religion jeans and get MOM jeans now? All my life I have always tried to "please" everyone. My parents, my sisters, my teachers, professors, husbands, now kids. I never felt "worthy" enough to truly believe that I deserve to own something that is just that, my own.
I have done for others, served others, fed, grown, made others. I continue to soothe others, feed, clean, nurture, listen to, and do for others. This has left me devoid of any self-worth. Yes, I know that others see me as a beacon to this family, but I need to define me again. I need to be proud of ME and finish something for ME again. I thought back to why things I've tried to do since becoming a mom have not worked out well for me. Take Mary Kay. I loved doing MK. I set out for it to be just for ME! To have something that was just my own. It was great until I realized that what I was doing was all being done for everyone else: sell more so your superior can get her cadillac, make other women feel good about themselves. This was all great, but: "what about me"? Again, doing for others and not for me.
I was looking through pictures of me when I was young, self-confident, full of life, prior to having gone through the stress of a husband deployed to war and then a near-foreclosure, a stressful move to Pittsburgh while pregnant, having two kids in two years, leaving a job that defined me, leaving friends, raising two kids with NO family around, and realized that I am OLD! I have aged 10 years in the past 5. I looked down at my stomach, my battlescars of growing, making, nurturing two beautful girls, and started to cry. "What good am I if I am miserable"? How can I raise two girls in this world of perfection to have great self-image if I am miserable inside? How can I preach health and happiness if I, myself, am not? (fill in aha moment).
Running sucks, let's face it. It hasn't become this wonderful, great "thing" to me....yet. but, I am out there, sweating and wheezing my way back to me.
In time I know that I will grow to love it, it will become a part of my everyday life. An appendage that just defines me. I will add runner to my list.
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